To book a flight to Nowhere, take Air Canada flight AC723 to Toronto, Pearson Terminal One. Now, be careful not to take Finnair flight -- in fact, I won’t even provide the link for Finnair here -- they have a flight to a place that is close to Nowhere, but in this case it is Nowhere, Finnland.

As an aside, my friend Milton tells me that Lappland is particularly gorgeous this time of year; the problem with trusting Milton’s judgement, though, is that he is partial to the colour red in all things, including photography and politics. Milton’s partner James asks the existential question: why is Finland spelled with only one “N” but Finnair has two “N’s”? P.S. I loved Levottommat!

So stay in Terminal One - the flight usually departs each evening at 1900hrs from gate 132. Now be careful as you wait, because occasionally Feist is busy making videos at Pearson International. It is, in effect, such an inspirational place. Totally, way, cool! Anyway, once you’ve boarded the plane you have a long trip ahead of you. The flight takes some eighteen hours, with an arrival time of 2:13 p.m. local time. That’s a 1, 2, 3 all mixed up, in case you didn’t know. The airport terminal at Nowhere is a left over from the 1970’s - its yellow and blue design smacks of something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. My friend Luke is sitting beside me as I type this, and he tells me that he would like to put his finger on something, but I think he is a pervert.  Luke’s never been to Nowhere - and he is definitely not a mediocrity. His brother Albert, however is on the American No-Flight list, while Albert’s wife Jill is on the little known fly-only list (the list of those who can travel within the United States only by flying.)

So, once you arrive and clear through passport control and customs, find a hotel. I usually stay at the Battered Arms hotel The view of the beach is pitiful, but the cocktails served are watered down. It’s similar in price to the Sonata Hotel in Ziebice Poland, except that they do turn the heat on, despite the outrageous gas charges by the Russians. While there, make sure to have the steak and eggs with Bright’s President Sparkling wine for breakfast. It’s absolutely adorable. A caution though, Hans, the chef, likes to prepare an alternative low to no calorie version of this particular dish -- stay away from it (insert a do not enter sign here in your thought process). Bette Davis died her first death at the restaurant of the Battered Arms; her resuscitation caused her eyes to be wide open and she went on to success from there. 

Shopping in Nowhere is fun. Be sure to bargain for the deals. They like it if you offer more than the tagged price, and some merchants are, in fact, prepared to haggle only increases in the cost of goods. Of course, as you know, the most special export of Nowhere are its kitchy salt and pepper shakers. I usually go for the ones shaped like used miniature chihuahuas. My friend Luke’s brother Albert’s wife Jill likes the salt and pepper shakers in the shape of mini-liquor bottles. Apparently, she stows her opium in the pepper ones, but don’t tell anyone, okay? I suspect this is why she is on the fly-only list.

The one thing that Nowhere lacks the most is public toilets. I think a proper ratio for toiltets should be one toilet - designated or unisex - per ten people. In Nowhere, the law requires that it be one in fifty-seven. I am not making this up. Apparently, they held an official government inquiry which determined that this particular ratio - 1:57 - is most suited for the economics and engineering needs of the people. In fact, if they count less that 57 people on, say, the beach, they won’t allow people to use the facilities. In Nowhere, they are very very precise in their calculations and in the stipulations of official inquiries, as well as of ratios. I guess there’s just no arguing with ratios these days, is there... and that sucks royally.

The night life of Nowhere is at its most mediocre best. They serve watered down vodka with a hint of pear essence. Apparently, some fashionista there determined that pears were -- and maybe even still are -- an aphrodisiac! Hot stuff or what? So, at night in Nowhere, they expect people to get wide by drinking down this watered pear scented concoction. Another folk tale says it is good for the intestines, which is why the people of Nowhere are so damned regular when it comes to toilet habits, especially vis-à-vis going number two. My friend Marcy, Luke’s sister’s aunt’s number one enemy, likes to add a spoonful of sugar -- fine powdered sugar at that -- to her vodka. She simply states it tastes better that way. Whom am I to argue? What is most fun is that Marcy’s girlfriend is named Debbie - they are erstwhile lesbian lovers -- Debbie and Marcy only get together on odd numbered days in the teen days of each month... Anyway, Debbie likes to dip her fingers into the vodka concoction and then rub her tummy with it. She covers the whole stomach, from the top under her breasts right down to the beginning of her public hair line. Luke tells me that Marcy says that Debbie shaves her pubic hair and leaves only the top line, the top four percent, of her hair as a reminder of what it would look like. Underneath she is apparently bald. Luke says he isn’t sure if this is true, and frankly, I think it’s none of our business is it?

Monday nights are the big going out night in Nowhere. People like to go to empty churches on Monday nights to offer up prayers to God -- whom they affectionately refer to as “Eagle Eye”. They pray especially that Eagle Eye will let them win on the lottery. The problem is that the people of Nowhere play foreign lotteries, so, while they might win (and win they do!) they are not legally entitled to the jackpot prize because they are citizens of Nowhere and not, for instance, of Iowa. People of Nowhere have not figured out enough to ask Eagle Eye to help them win legally... and Eagle Eye is a strict stickler when it comes to prayer intentions - be careful what you ask for, because you will get it!. 

The famous anthropologist Norbert V. Wexler has observed that the people of Nowhere have practices similar to the practitioners of cargo cult religion  (Note: I am going to take a short break now to have some fried Kielbasa and scrambled eggs.) Wexler’s now famous paper, Der Wissenschaft das Kargo Kult und der Uberliferrung Gestichte Studien der Nowhere Platz kulture won him a nomination for the Nobel prize. The only problem was they don’t offer it for the category of Mediocrity Studies - not yet, anyway. My psychic tells me that Alfred Nobel is working on this particular addition to the line up from beyond the grave. Wexler observed that Monday nights are so vital to the life of Nowhere that their economy would fail without this particular social ritual. “It’s sad really, without Monday there can be no Sunday and no Tuesday”, wrote Mrs. Wexler in her husband’s autobiography. So true, isn’t it? This, I would suspect, is why the people of nowhere are so socially advanced. 

As another aside, Wexler’s mentor , as you know, is C. Clement Kirk. Kirk was the pioneer of Mediocrity studies and was the first to make a geo-political study of Nowhere. His research from 1932 to 1978 was considered a hallmark in the world of academics. It was only after he retired that it was discovered that he was both a pedophile and an aggregate fan of financial pyramid schemes. It is a sad social commentary that he received only four weeks, three days, and two nights sentence for the first crime, and seventeen hundred years for the second. And, I am being honest here, no exaggeration. 

On Monday nights in Nowhere you can catch a glimpse of an occasional celebrity. Dustin Diamond is a regular, especially after his latest film. You can also see Kathy Griffin at one of the bars. She works as a server, now that her acting career has ended. (My friend Gustav asks, “When did it begin?”) Her former agent tells me she makes more money now than she did in acting, except for when she was in Pulp Fiction. Other famous celebrities include Leonard Nimoy, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, and the guy who plays the Glad Garbage dude.  Apparently, Dr. Laura came up with the idea for her doll while vacationing in Nowhere. See what an inspiration it is! Shirley Manson, of Garbage fame, stopped at Nowhere once - so too did Lindsay Lohan, but she partied so much she has been banned from the place (imagine that!). Jethro, from Jethro Tull likes to winter in Nowhere, usually from mid-December to early March. 

In terms of eateries and pubs, while visiting Nowhere, you will definitely want to go and spend some time at Average Jane’s Bar. Have the friend Sushi there. They add a magical ingredient to their watered-vodka and pear essence, but I am not sure what exactly it is. Average Jane’s also serves raw carrot nachos and cow liver fajitas. I know it sounds gross; but I have to admit the taste is out of this world. Both dishes also have the added benefit of making you lose weight while eating them. The fajitas for instance, have a negative calorie count... A place not to go to is McDonald’s in Nowhere -- their extra value meals are not as tasty as you find them in North America. The McChicken is made from freeze dried pigeon parts mixed with Tofu... and raisins. Apparently, it tastes better with raisins, the California kind. Except they don’t sing in Nowhere - some sort of a union thing restricts them.

.All in all, nowhere is a great place to be. See the sights, check out the hot spots, and come to know the people. They are charming. Except for the guy named Quiddo -- stay away from him -- far away -- because he is a big bully. Even when he is in a good mood, he likes to occasionally lick people’s cheeks. Yuck! Be sure to go to the Nowhere market and get yourself an “Ella Rose Rocks” t-shirt. Mention that Johnny sent you and they’ll give you a baseball cap at half price. For your information, Johnny is the Russian guy you see in Smirnoff Vodka commercials - you know the ones with the dog sled? Of course, Johnny has been to nowhere a couple of times. But, he drinks so much Wyborowa Vodka (or Wodka) that he forgets about much of the trip. Nowhere can do that to you i guess. In Nowhere, you can easily spot Johnny because he is the only one wearing a “I slept with Bob Barker” t-shirt. 

Well, it’s 2:10 p.m. and my plane is about to touch down. We’re being asked to stow away laptops and other electronic devices... talk to you later.

All material in this site is copyright (c)1991-2008 by John Stopa